Note to Self. Be better.

[laliandra]

So, I have this temping job and it's kind of soul crushingly, brain atrophyingly dull.

I process forms and type numbers into boxes. So, so dull.

But this is not what this post is about. This post is about something that happened while I was chatting to my co-workers. It's to make me remember.

I work in an office with 5 guys. One of them, we'll call him Dick (*foreshadows*) is a nice enough guy, but hellava annoying. I bite my tongue about once a minute because he's always getting things wrong and misquoting or mispronouncing the rest. He is the kind of man who says, "Well, the doctors say that, but what do they know?"

Then, last week, this happened. My person-who-sits-next-to-me-and-possibly-friend Neil (so named for his love of, and resemblance to a young, Neil Gaiman) was telling the story of the time his friend went to a gay bar and accidentally got involved in a fight and was punched by a transvestite. He described it as one of the most surreal things he'd ever seen.

Dick: Yeah, this one time, I was in Mission and there were just these two guys making out in the corner. And I was like, ew, no, too weird!

Me and Neil: What?!

Me: You can't say that. Really.

Dick: Why are you getting so offended? You're not even gay.

Me: Er, firstly, you shouldn't make assumptions about people's sexuality. And second, that's not the point, you are being a bigot, no buts.

Neil: Yeah, homophobia, much?

Dick: Stop criticising me! It's just not something I wanted to deal with, okay?

Me: No! Not okay! It's a terrible thing to say and I wouldn't feel right if I didn't say something. Okay?

.....

Yeah.

We went on a break fairly soon after and I posted a brief summary of what had happened, mostly just to get some of RAAAAAAAAGE out of me so that I could, you know, function as a human being. And my twitter flist were amazing, and made me feel much better. But, I started to feel a bit weird about it. Because people kept saying things like, "I'm so sorry you had to deal with that."

And it's not that I didn't appreciate it, because, I did, I really did. It's just. I did what I should have done. What should be the average response to this situation. I wasn't at risk, it wasn't brave. What's the worst that could have happened? A guy I didn't like much who had turned out to be a bigot disliked me? My boyfriend sometimes has to visit building sites for his job, and has been physcially threatened for reacting to racist and homophobic comments. Nothing like that was going to happen to me. No one had insulted me. No one had expressed disgust at the idea of me kissing my boy. I was totally fine.

I have it so easy. I am a white, well educated, cisgendered Westerner, living in a society where I can express my views with next to no personal risk. And that's privilege, and I should use it for something good. I spent the best part of a day worrying about having been impolite. About people thinking I was some crazy person who ranted about issues. So I'm writing about this to remind myself that I shouldn't feel that way. Calling someone out on their bigotry is not the same as being rude, and if they hate me for it, well, fuck them in the ear, as azurelunatic put it. It's not a big brave thing to do. It's something I regret not doing more. It's something I'm going to do more. I might get to make a man think twice about expressing hateful views in public. Good. We need more safe spaces. Maybe it won't do anything. But I'll still be trying. This is more the me I want to be and this is about all of us.

And this post is a thank you to fandom. For making me work at learning to unpack my privilege. In the end my co-workers backed me up (even the shy, dorky boys and the super macho Marine in training :D) but I could have been one person, saying something unpopular but right. Thanks, fandom, for making me realise that this is something I should be doing without thinking about it. Thank you for giving me the tools to back up my arguments, for teaching me how to admit I'm not perfect. For being queer and kinky and silly so fabulously, and unapologetically unafraid to be different. This is more the me I want to be and this is about all of us.

This post is a reminder, self, to woman up and grow some boobs (note to body: metaphorical boobs only, plz. Boob situation already more than adequate).

Comments

[brimtoast.livejournal.com]

If you find yourself with too much boob on your hands, you can give some to me! Graciously accepting all boob donations, I am.

Let me tell you a story that I have not told anybody, just because it slipped my mind and it happened while I didn't have good internet.

Last Saturday, we hired a guy to drive our mattress from our old apartment to our new one. As we were sitting and chatting with him in the cab of the truck, he was being great and telling funny stories. Then suddenly he goes into this thing about how he would rather have a boy kid than a girl kid, because boys will break stuff, but girls are crazy and manipulative and jealous and just weird in the head. And he goes into this whole thing about how women are bitchy and awful to each other and all the women he knows agree that other women suck, basically.

And I was just like "...I have amazing female friends and we're really great and supportive of each other and I care about them very much." And he was like "You're the first woman who has EVER SAID THAT to me." And then he just kept going on and on about how weird it was and about how he'd never heard anybody say that before, and clearly my friends and I were the ONLY ONES in like the whole city of NYC. (I did not mention that y'all were not local, as it didn't seem relevant.) And I just kind of left if there, because I guess this dude's mind has been blown enough for one day (by meeting a woman who said she liked other women, wtf), but then I ranted to Eliah as we dragged the mattress up the stairs about how, of course, women get undermined and frustrated in all these tiny ways, but then we're also told that men are the good guys, so even when women *do* take out out their frustration on other women and end up blaming them, that's not WOMEN being fucked in the head, that's SOCIETY being fucked. And that fact that this dude, and apparently everybody he talks to, would just so blithely and cheerfully place the blame for that on girls being born crazy, was just... anyway, there is no point to this story, really, except that there are a lot of people out there who have a lot of really messed up unquestioned assumptions, and if we can speak up and cause them to question them, then we should. Especially because, as you say, we are really really lucky to not be in Nat's position where we don't have that option.

[laliandra.livejournal.com]

I hear the more than a handful is a waste, anyway :P

Oh, gosh, wow. That is a fairly upsetting story. It's kind of upsetting how people can just merrily go about saying stuff that like and people just laugh and are all, "oh, those womenfolk. So crazy." And it's horrible that we have got to a stage where women aren't always supportive of each and it's horrible that this is an idea so embedded in society that it's become self perpetuating and NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING because it's just a funny joke to say that ALL WOMEN ARE SECRETLY BAD PEOPLE.

AAAH. Essentially I am just agreeing with you. <3

But I am glad that you said something and I am also so glad to have you and our campfire. And this post should probably include a HUGE thank you to you for being so amazing and making me think about things, all the time.

I love you.

[mcollinknight.livejournal.com]

I LOVE THIS POST AND EVERYTHING IT CHOOSES TO BE. ALSO YOU. AND YOUR ELOQUENCE. BECAUSE I PROBABLY JUST WOULD HAVE LOOKED AROUND FOR A GIRL TO MAKE OUT IN FRONT OF HIM WITH, LET'S FACE FACTS HERE.

It's not a big brave thing to do. It's something I regret not doing more. Amen. Lemme just write that on a banner to glue to my forehead.

I have many a similar thanks also to issue for fandom (and apologies, of course), for it is a wondrous thing full of pr0n and late night spam posts, and also Learning and Links and People Who Will Smack You If You Mess Up (thank @god for them and you).

I hadn't thought of the 'no-one is going to punch me out for expressing disapproval' side - aieeee, your bf :( That makes me sad. But it's very true that we have that privilege as well; I imagine, had you or I expressed those views in Uganda, we probably couldn't say the same.

'Boob situation already more than adequate' and 'actual blogging in this here blog' are now my two favourite sentence fragments EVAR.

[laliandra.livejournal.com]

I LIKE YOUR SOLUTION, IT IS VERY ELEGANT :D. I should have encouraged some of my colleagues to, instead. Also, lol, eloquence. Clearly I should drink wine and talk to myself more often.

Basically this post is a mental equivalent of doing just that. Let's hope it works out!

Yes, yes, <3Fandom<3 I love it for all sides of it. I know, god do I know, that it is not perfect (*looks at what people say about female characters, sighs*), and that I am not, but at least we are talking and thinking and trying. Whenever I get all :/ about fandom and LJ, I think, well, it makes me want to be a better person. Also, you are an inspiration.

Yeah, there was a point about 2 years ago where he got anon phonecalls threatening to break his legs. It was a particularly unpleasant time. And yes, exactly, there are so many places in the world where just saying "NO, you are wrong about that" could put me in prison. So, so lucky.

:D

[azurelunatic]

And even if you don't succeed in making it a safe space, it can become a not-actively-hostile space.

[laliandra.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's pretty much what I'm hoping for with this guy. He probably won't stop being a bigot, but at least he won't be saying hurtful things out loud.

[azurelunatic]

Also, I am a heady mix of delighted/amused/unnerved to see that I am a source for creative swearing!

[hanelissar.livejournal.com]

Have a gif, because apparently I can't comment on your journal without them anymore or something



You are awesome. And I love you. And go you for standing up to him, even if it was something that (I hope) anyone would have done. You still did it. <3 And this entire post is just so, so true that I'm having a little party in my desk chair right now. Raving to Dig A Little Deeper (which is all kinds of appropriate in this context actually!) and everything. :P

And I am TOTALLY in agreement with you in thanking fandom. I was always (I hope!) an accepting, non-racist/sexist/homophobic/abelist/etc person anyway, but fandom has taught me so, so much more about it. And about myself and my privilege, and what I do and don't have the right to say and think and how I should react and just...be a better part of the world.

For being queer and kinky and silly so fabulously, and unapologetically unafraid to be different. This is more the me I want to be and this is about all of us.

This is the best quote ever (or at least well up there) and I love it. I am actually writing on my whiteboard so I don't forget it.

I love you
xxxx

[laliandra.livejournal.com]

HI MATT HIIIIIIIII!

Aw, thank you honey, I love the idea that you are having a chair party :D.

Yeah, the thing I have found is that I knew a lot but I needed to do much better, which is a hard thing to admit but fandom is full of things to help and people just talking about things all the time. Also, you are awesome, and I love the idea that something that we LOVE (boomdeyada!) is also making us want to be a better part of the world.

Heh, I was feeling ~inspired, what can I say?! And really? That is so awesome.

I love you, darling xxx

[isil-helyanwe.livejournal.com]

And this post is a thank you to fandom. For making me work at learning to unpack my privilege.

The best thing that fandom communities on the Internet have taught me is the prevalence of my own privilege. I don't know about you, but it's stopped me from being a theoretical liberal and has actual made me properly consider how I should react to things.

[laliandra.livejournal.com]

Yes, this. I think because people in general and certainly myself, is that they talk more and react more in fandom than in RL. And so it makes me want to be, yes exactly, theoretical in my views, and actually start being active with it.

YAY FANDOM!

[anna-unfolding.livejournal.com]

It took noticing, and the important skill of not feeling guilty about calling a man on something, to do what you did. Good on ya. His assumption about your sexuality stinks, but also, he is assuming that only gay people care about that, and you are proving that HE IS WRONG THERE. And also, I feel it in my bones that homophobia is rooted in discomfort with people who break societal gender norms, so it IS related to everyone.

And hi! Nice to see you posting.

[laliandra.livejournal.com]

I did actually feel a bit guilty for a while, which is part of a really horrible social convention that I really, really need to get out of.

Yeah, as my friend Colline said, I should care because I'm human being.

Yes, yes, exactly. Me and Nat were talking about this, actually, how homophobia feeds into so many negative issues we have in society, sexism definitely, and a culture where guys feel compelled to somehow ~prove their masculinity. Sigh.

Hi! I have mostly been working and then coming home and falling asleep on the couch. Blugh. So faily.

[littlered2.livejournal.com]

Well done for being brave enough to say something; I know that it is, like you said, what you should have done, and you're not the one having to deal with (most forms of) prejudice on a daily basis, but it's still difficult to speak up for things sometimes, even if you know that it's right. Social convention and fear of being rude can both be very strong sometimes, and it's hard to go against them. There are definitely times when I haven't felt able to. But it's the right thing to do, and it's great that you're trying. And it's great of fandom for existing and encouraging us all to do so.

[laliandra.livejournal.com]

Well, the more normal I try and feel about it, the better, I feel :) Thank you, though.

There is a lot of social convention about not calling men especially on their fail, and that just makes more prevalent... And there are probably still going to be times when I won't feel comfortable saying something, and some of those times I won't. But I'm still going to try.

Thanks, fandom!

[kaiserkuchen.livejournal.com]

Seriously, fandom goes above and beyond "just" being a place to squee about shows/series/books/movies/whathaveyou when it comes to Learning More About Important Things. Though it does make for a weird sort of feeling when one talks to non-fandom people our age and there is often prejudiced language willy-nilly and just all kinds of crap and you're like "but...but! Doesn't anybody realize that this is not on??" ....Or I just have really rude ex-schoolmates, that is probably also a factor :/ (I do count introducing a dudebro buddy to the concept of Racefail re: the whole Avatar and the M. Night Avatar a small victory, though we also had to slooooowly work our way past all his initial "but it's not Racism if!" 101 reactions. Ahhh)

PEE ESS I SAW THIS AND THOUGHT OF YOUUUU

[laliandra.livejournal.com]

Fandom is indeed all that and more. And yes, I find it SO odd being in a place where people aren't used to having their assumptions challenged and they don't know about, idk, coverfail or racebending or so much of the stuff we talk about and engage with all the time.

OMG THAT IS AMAAAAAAAAZING I WANT ALL OF IIIIIIIIT!

[shiningartifact.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to say that ILU and I love this post and you are amazing and just GO YOU.

&hearts&hearts&hearts

[laliandra.livejournal.com]

ILU MORE

<3 &hearts <#